Tales From The Dressing Room

Yes, my friends, after going to Splash Country the other day I actually got inspired to go swimsuit shopping. It's kinda funny how spending a day looking at other women with unfortunate bodies, such as myself, could inspire me to do the one thing I hate most in this world. I don't really get it either; but, for some reason I thought it was a good idea to go skirtini shopping.

So yesterday ThiThi, Kaylea and I hit the Mall and began the torture. Well, I was being tortured; I believe ThiThi and Kaylea went along for the amusement of it all.

Here are just a few of the incidents and comments that came from inside our dressing room:

• After trying on a loser of a suit I was removing the bottoms and realized the hygienic liner was stuck to my - uh - upper inner thigh (if you get the picture). I tried to gently peel it off but found, though it wouldn't stick to the crotch of the bathing suit any longer, it had appeared to have permanently affixed itself to me. What was I to do but to give it one quick pull and presto, I gave myself a wax job, also. (I always knew there was a reason I hadn't gone to see the little Vietnamese ladies about a "wass job."


• ThiThi critiquing one suit, "So what flavor of muffin is that?"


• Me, while looking at my ass in a skirtini in a 3-way mirror, "There must be something wrong with this suit. The back is shorter than the front!" (Wouldn't have anything to do with the hump and bump giving the skirt a little lift on the backside, ya think?)


• ThiThi to the sales associate that asked if we had a preference on dressing rooms, "We just need a big one. There will be a lot of wrastling going on in there."


• Me, while browsing the Miracle Suits, "For some reason I just don't think that one will be quite 'Miraculous' enough for me."


• Me, "Those draws ain't quite deep enough. You know I like me some deep'ins!"


• ThiThi to me after a full day of fun, "You know this is the worst time of the month for you to be doing this, don't you?"

And finally, the award for Funniest Comment of the Day goes to................................KAYLEA! She, so innocently said, "Ya know, Aunt Missy, I think that tag that says, 'Look 10 lbs slimmer in 10 seconds' is just a lie." Out of the mouths of babes. What can I say?

Oh, and for those of you wondering if I walked away from the Mall with a suit. Well, yes, I did. Here is the one I got. Unfortunately, I have a little more fluff than the invisi-model the company used for the picture. But, overall, it covered what needed to be covered and wasn't too appauling.

So, see all you gals and Splash Country this summer!

Splash Country - The Best Ego Boost In The South

Ya know, if you look over to the right side of my little Blog page you will find The Ever Growing List of Random Things I Hate. Well, about two-thirds of the way down the list I have mentioned my distaste for "Big Women in Bikinis." After spending a day a Splash Country yesterday, I do believe that I need to revise this dislike AND give it a little higher billing on my list. How about I change the dislike to, "Women Who Wear Bikinis And SHOULDN'T."

Now, let me start out by saying that I am NO frail flower. I have a little extra meat on my bones and could benefit by going back to Weight Watchers for, oh say, a year or two. It is because of my cottage cheese thighs and muffin top that I absolutely hate the idea of going out in public in a swimsuit. If I could find a fashionable Berka, that would be the beach/pool clothing of choice for me. However, since the Taliban has yet to get into the swimsuit business, I continue to settle for my girdlish Carol Wior suits that keep the bulging stuff, stuffed in, and the sagging stuff, lifted up. You see, I am brutally honest with myself and I use these things called MIRRORS when I try on a bathing suit. And yes, I have even looked in the ----- THREE-WAY MIRROR ----- in the fitting room before making my final bathing suit selection. Yes, I know that is a scary thought for some women out there. Looking in that mean ole three-way mirror that lets us get the view of everything comin' and goin', but as scary as the sight is, I always choose to take a look. The way I figure it is, I would rather have a private dressing room viewing of how bad things look so that I can opt out of the tankini that makes my trunk look a little to junky; as oppose to, oh say, several thousand people having a public viewing at a water theme park.

Now, back to Splash Country yesterday. I am convinced that the majority of the females that were there either (a) looked at themselves in a carnival mirror before leaving home, or (b) not only didn't own a mirror - they hadn't even heard of one, or (c) had way too much self confidence for their own good.

Now, I must say, it isn't just the big women/girls that I am referring to. Yes, there was a fair share of large women in all sorts of disastrous swimwear. Like, the very large woman in a bikini whose belly hung soooooo low that her bottoms (swimsuit, that is) were barely visible (oh, her other "bottoms" were VERY visible and, yes, she appeared to have more than one!) And then, there were the many young girls that had the unfortunate "dunlap" disease. And then there were the women that had WAY too much confidence in the strength of those little plastic bathing suit closures. We were one wrong stretch away from some major wardrobe malfunctions.

All you skinny ladies weren't immune to the unfortunate swimwear choices, either. Like the grandma in her bikini wearing a suit that really needed a good ironing (no, not a "bathing" suit that needed ironing. The "body/birthday" suit of the skin colored variety that she had on under the bathing suit). Then there was the pretty young soccer mom, with three kids in tow. She was wearing the skimpy little tiny weeny bikini and had stretch marks on her belly that resembled a road map of NYC.

In summary, I guess I learned a few important things yesterday.

1. Everyone should own a full length mirror. Believe it or not, they are good, very good; mirrors are my friend. Keep them around - and lots of them; they will save me from unnecessary humiliation
2. Just because you are a size 4 and you CAN wear a bikini, it doesn't necessarily mean you SHOULD wear a bikini.
3. I don't look as bad as I could.
4. And finally, whenever I start beating myself up about my weight, I will just pick myself up by my bathing suit straps and head on over to Splash Country. This will give me a new found confidence and I will leave the park feelin' pretty darned svelte!