The Circle of Life

Yes, I know, I have been an absentee blogger again. I am so sorry and hopefully things will return to normal someday soon. I seriously doubt it though. After all, look at the title to my little page on the internet. My world has been WAY crazy and WAY mixed up as of late, but doesn't seem quite so "little" any longer. Many things, HUGE things, happened in my life over the past week. Things that are life altering and will have a profound affect on me. These things have touched me in a way that I am compelled to tell my story to everyone that will listen.

It all began last Friday. I received a call from my father letting me know that my step-grandfather, Papaw, was not doing well. You see, Papaw had a ravenous form of cancer that had been attacking and eating its way through his body for the past several months. Daddy told me that Papaw had spiked a fever and lost consciousness Friday morning and things didn't look good. I explained that I had a commitment on Friday evening that I had to keep, but I would be up (to Dandridge) first thing Saturday morning. I was not prepared for what I saw when I walked into my grandparents' living room on Saturday morning. There lay my Papaw in a hospital bed. The man who had always been so strong and intimidating was now just a frail and weak little man. To say I was taken aback is quite an understatement. I last saw Papaw in June and he was his normal self, laughing joking and teasing. But, Saturday I could tell things were probably not going to be the same again. The hospice nurses were telling the family that Papaw was facing his final hours of life. He was pretty much none responsive. His eyes were mostly glazed over; however, occasionally we would say something to him and he would respond with a grunt or a squeeze of the hand. We all just prayed that God would let His will be done in a quick manner so that Papaw wouldn't have to suffer any longer.

Papaw came into my life when I was 8, and Daddy and Fris got married. With me growing up in Florida and Papaw being a truck driver, I only saw him in the summer when I was visiting he was not out on the road. Needless to say, we weren't as close as I was with my other grandfathers; but, I loved him nonetheless. As an adult, I didn't really do anything to grow our relationship. I would see Papaw at holiday gatherings and family functions, but never really went out of my way to go to his house for "no special reason". I invited Papaw and Mamaw to Kaylea's birthday parties every year, but they only came to the first two. Once again, we were family members and we loved each other, but we weren't actively involved in each other's daily lives.

It was strange though, when I saw him laying in that bed, all of our history seemed to be erased. I sat at his bedside and held his hand and wiped his brow. I rubbed his arms and legs and kissed his cheek. I told him I loved him and not to worry, everything was going to be ok. I sat with Papaw all day on that Saturday and didn't want to leave that night, but I did. ThiThi and I came home and cooked food to take to the family bright and early on Sunday morning. When we returned Sunday, I sat and held his hand and wiped his brow; rubbed his arms and legs and kissed his cheek. And I told him I loved him and not to worry, everything was going to be ok. Once again on Sunday evening I didn't want to leave him, but I did. ThiThi and I came home and tried to get some rest; then back we went on Monday morning. When we returned on Monday I sat and held his hand and wiped his brow; rubbed his arms and legs and kissed his cheek. And I told him I loved him and not to worry, everything was going to be ok. When it came time to go home I didn't want to leave, but I did. This time, however, ThiThi and I told Fris, Mamaw and my brother that we were going to come back and sit with Papaw through the night. At that time, we didn't know why we wanted to or felt called to come back, but we just did.

Over those three days, many times the question was asked, "Why doesn't God just end Papaw's suffering?" "Why hasn't God taken him yet?" And many times, the answer was, "God isn't through with Papaw; He is still using him to do His work." Then Papaw's preacher said, "God has great plans for Papaw, but now He is using him to touch someones life and bring them to Him." It was also suggested by the hospice nurses that Papaw wasn't ready to go and he was waiting to make sure his family would be ok. They encouraged us to talk to Papaw and tell him that we would be ok and that he could go now. All of us took our turn and we had that conversation, but Papaw was still holding on.

On Monday evening, ThiThi, Papaw's son David, Papaw's sister Mary and I sat up all night. We took turns holding his hand and talking to him. There were times when he was unconscious and at other times he was aware of our presence. He actually tried to talk to Mary and David at one point, but unfortunately we couldn't understand what he was saying. We kept telling him we were all ok and he could go Home now. But for some reason he just hung in there. About 10am Tuesday morning, ThiThi and I were getting ready to leave to come home and we were saying our goodbyes to Papaw. He mumbled, "Mom". ThiThi asked him, "Papaw, do you see your Mom?" He replied, "Uh, huh." (His Mom died about 20 years ago) Then he began squinting his eyes real tight as if the sun were shining in his eyes. ThiThi asked him, "Papaw, do you see a bright light?" He replied, "Uh, huh." We both kissed him on the forehead and told him we loved him and then we left.

Naturally, we both were exhausted. On the way home we made plans to take naps and return later in the afternoon. When I got home I glanced at my answering machine and the message light was blinking. I was almost afraid to play the message, but knew that I had to. Imagine my surprise and excitement when I played the message and heard a lady from the Sevier County Schools asking me to call her back that day to schedule an interview for a Teacher Assistant position. If you don't remember, I have been trying to get this very job, with no luck, for the last 4 years. Of course, I immediately called back and she wanted to know if I could come in for an interview at 1:30 that afternoon. Naturally, I told her I would be there. Then I hurried to shower and wake myself enough to drive to Sevierville. My interview went very well and was over within about 20-30 minutes. At its conclusion, I was offered the job. Yeah, me! I was so happy; finally the prayer that I had prayed so many times over the last 4 years had finally been answered. I left the school board office and immediately went to take my physical so that I could start to work on Wednesday morning. After my physical I called Bub with the good news.

When I called Bub, I was absolutely giddy. I finally had the job that I had pretty much given up on. As a matter of fact, my application had expired the Friday before my interview, because I hadn't renewed it at the beginning of this school year. I was telling Bub all of the oddities of getting the job offer and when I paused long enough for him to speak, he said, "Jenni, I am so happy for you. I hope this is everything you want. Now, I hate to do this to you, but I am going to have to burst your bubble. Papaw died. Missy called and said that Papaw passed away around 2:00." I almost had to pull off the road. You see Papaw died at almost the same time that I was offered my job. All I could do was cry and wonder.

All I know is I believe in prayers being answered; however, we can't set the timeline for when they will be answered. God works in His own time. For whatever reason, I wasn't meant to work at the school until now. And for whatever reason, Papaw's time to go Home wasn't until 2:00 on Tuesday. After meeting the children in my class, I know God has special plans for me, as well. We have a few children with special needs and I think God has placed me with them for a reason. And as for Papaw, I know that he is in his special place. He is happy and free from all of his pain. And I just hope he knows how much I love him and that he was a true blessing to me!

Prayers, Blessings and Gratefulness

This morning started like all others have this summer. Kaylea and I slept in and once awake, I meandered to the computer to fire it up and check the e-mail. Little did I know that I was about to read something that would be heart breaking and scary for both Kaylea and me.

You see, Sunday evening one of Kaylea's friends from Girl Scouts was involved in a head-on collision here in town. She and her mother were transported to UT Hospital where they are still recovering. Kaylea's friend received a broken wrist, a broken pelvis, a lacerated liver and a laceration across her abdomen that required 20 stitches. This little girl is only 9, the same age as my little girl.

The mother has undergone 2 surgeries since being admitted, one for her broken ankle/heel/leg and the other to put a metal plate in her broken arm. Oh, and she has a broken pelvis, also.

When I told Kaylea about the accident she immediately asked if we could go to the hospital to visit her friend. Kaylea was very concerned for her friend and asked many questions about her injuries. I emphasized that the little girl was recovering, but Kaylea was so concerned that while I was in the shower, she got on the computer to look at the e-mail herself. Afterwards she copied the web address for our local newspaper, which was included in the e-mail we received, and went to that web page to read more about the accident. I guess she was afraid I might be trying to "sugar-coat" the details for her.

We went to the hospital this afternoon and took her friend a balloon, magazines and a book. I don't think either of us were prepared for what we saw when we entered the room. The little girl was laying there hooked up to a lot of machines with a feeding tube in her nose. She was whimpering and moaning from the pain she was enduring. As she breathed, a rattle was coming from her chest, due to the fluids that were collecting. Her father was at her bedside holding her hand and trying his best to comfort her.

My heart broke at that moment. You see, not only is she Kaylea's friend, but she is probably one of the sweetest girls I have ever had in one of my classes at school. She always has a smile on her face and a bounce in her step. A truly kind hearted little angel that would do anything for anyone. Today, though, she was not herself, naturally.

Kaylea was very quiet while we were in the hospital room. Her friend did ask her to hold her hand though. I think Kaylea was very apprehensive because she was afraid of causing her any more pain. The little girl's father repeatedly thanked us for coming to see his daughter. He looked very tired and I could see the worry in his face. I can't imagine what he is going through. His wife undergoing 2 surgeries and his little girl in critical condition. I'm quite sure he hasn't slept much, if at all, since Sunday.

I couldn't help but think about this family's tragedy and realize that it could have just as easily been my family. Me going through the 2 surgeries; Kaylea in critical condition; and Barry trying to keep things together. I travel the same road where the accident happened. Kaylea and I are always together in the car, and normally Barry is not with us. It is hard to believe how our life could be changed in mere seconds. I think everyone likes to believe that they are invincible and nothing bad will ever happen to them. Accidents such as this really slap you back into reality.

Kaylea and I have both been a little quiet today, which is definitely not normal for us. There has, also been a whole lot more cuddling and one-on-one time. We cooked dinner together and played cards while things were finishing up. The TV wasn't on and we really got to enjoy each others' company. Then when we sat down for dinner, Kaylea said our normal blessing and then added a little prayer for her friend and her parents.

Please say a prayer for this family. They are hurting in so many ways right now and they need all the support they can get. Also, please take a moment to thank God for your happy, healthy and safe children. I know I have and will continue to do so.



******Since this has affected Kaylea and me in such a profound way, this post will be placed on both our blogs, My Crazy Little Mixed Up World and Curiously Kaylea. Sorry for the duplication, but I felt it was worthy of repeating.******